"You cannot always have what you want," the saying goes. And true enough, the outcome of both the activities that I have long planned to do today were not favorable. If you remember, I mentioned in my previous entry that I will be registering for the upcoming elections today, 8 days before the deadline. I prepared myself for the process yesterday, hoping that something good will turn out. Obviously, nothing good turned out. In fact, before this disappointment, I was already frustrated to begin with.
 

I went to my school this morning for one, sole reason---to check my pre-Final standing in History II, something which I have also mentioned in my previous entry. I was expecting to see the list at the exact time which our History II professor promised to post the list. Also, I was expecting to leave the school premises 5 to 15 minutes upon catching sight of the list so that I could proceed to the COMELEC office in Bacoor City immediately. However, no list stumbled upon my sight at around 8:30 nor did I leave the school premises at the time I expected myself to. I chanced upon my History II classmate in the corridor adjacent to the corridor where our History II room is located. She was reviewing for her exam in Humanities I then, but decided to accompany me in killing the next 30 minutes of waiting. Yes, I patiently waited for 30 minutes just so that I could say that my decision to drop by the campus was spent for nothing. During the wait, which was extended to 15 minutes, I was able to have a conversation with a previous co-block member and caught up on our lives. 45 minutes later and still, the list is nowhere. In dire need to rush to the COMELEC office, I asked my History II classmate to look up my standing for me in the list while I struggle to reach the COMELEC office before lunchtime.
 

I left the school at 9:20, was able to hail a bus at 9:27, reached Talaba at 10:20, and arrived at the Bacoor City Municipal Hall at 10:30. I was forewarned by my mother's friend, whose son attend the same school as my brother and whose daughter Alyssa is my friend and previous classmate, that several people have already gathered in the Municipal Hall since 7:00 in the morning. Indeed, several people were already lining up but they were not several enough to scare me. I readily claimed 3 photocopied election forms and had my U.P. I.D. photocopied in the store which a good stranger pointed out to me when I first arrived on the place, fell in line, and filled out my forms. A few minutes later, a woman was calling the attention of the attendees who are 18 years old to 20 years old. Though I am 17 this year, I will be turning 18 before May 10, 2010, thus I fall into the category.
 

My parents and I had a healthy open session last night at our home. Expectedly, my younger brother preferred playing with his PSP than joining the three of us reminisce happy memories as well as bitter events. It would have been better if my brother was with us last night, though I have always expected that in terms of these kinds of intimate family activities, he would retreat into his room and do what he loves doing best---and it's too obvious for me to even mention what it is, judging that most of the bedrooms of today's teenagers are filled with gizmos and techie thingamajigs that seem to hinder them from involving themselves into familial bondings. As sad as that may sound, I am still hoping that my brother would be more open to us in the near future.

Moving on to what my parents and I brainstormed yesterday, I would like to share what Dad repeatedly told me yesterday: "Look forward, don't look back too often." Those are not his exact words but they pretty much sum up what he had in mind yesterday. The reason why he was continuously reiterating these words to me last night was because I suddenly felt the urge to let out my previous disappointments regarding how I lead my life these past sixteen years---well, almost seventeen, actually.

Mom was there too during the time where I was venting out my regrets and frustrations, so as Mimi. While Dad was telling me his philosophical nuggets of wisdom, Mom was playing with and was keeping an eye on Mimi while the latter was running around our spacious terrace/receiving area. She would comment from time to time, especially whenever I speak of one of the tremulous experiences in my life; she told me how disappointed she was when that happened. I, for one, have heard her express her disappointment regarding that incident a number of times already but it was only now that I realized that I was indeed a disappointment at that time. When my father started elaborating that certain event, I covered my ears and started blabbing nonsensical mantras just to avoid entirely remembering the whole incident. My reaction was immature, I admit...and it only goes to show that I am still tied up to the past. Embarassment and regret fill my thoughts whenever I try to confront my past mistakes.

I attempted to look forward and picture my future. My foresight of how I would turn out years later turned out fine. Lately, I have been telling myself that from this point forward, I should be doing things the right way. True enough, I cannot assure that I will not stumble and falter along the way but the fact that I am motivated to rise rather than run is a sign that maybe---just maybe---my decisions will be more rational, more mature and more insightful. I need to grow up; I need to act my age. I do not want to haste nor do I want to be some sort of Peter Pan. I will take things slowly but surely. And if I put great importance to my future and to how I want it to be, eventually, I will stop these wasteful regretting. God is with me; I know He will never leave me walking towards the end of the tunnel on my own.
 

I had two disappointments yesterday. First, I found that I am 0.02 points shy from potentially getting a good grade in Philosophy I. The shown result was only my Pre-Final standing so it still might be adjusted due to some unknown miracle I'm secretly wishing for. If not, then I'd still take the last set of exam for Philo despite being given the privilege not to take it.

Here's the more disappointing thing, however. I freakin' failed the second Mathematics 11 departmental exam. I wonder, though, why I'm not so overly depressed about it? Maybe because I could still make up for it on the third depEX and the Finals? Yeah, I think that's it. Well, on top of that also, I guess I have already accepted the fact that Math is never, and will never be, the subject that I could ever be triumphant with. HAHA. All it takes is ACCEPTANCE. But of course I'd strive hard not to get a singko or a tres. I'd rather strive for a 2.75. :)

Besides those mediocre feats, I have also realized that I didn't do quite well this semester---again. Hmm. It's not that I got low grades, they just didn't match my standards. Before the second semester began, I was desperately promising myself that I would pull my grades higher. Turns out that I still haven't let go of my easily distracting interests yet. Oh, screw you, Internet! Hahaha. Well, it's fallacious to put the blame on the world wide web though, seeing that it was me who succumbed easily to that addiction. Could anybody please bang my head on the wall? Please?

Oh, and I'm listening to the sixth Good Times With Mo, Mojo and Grace Lee podcast in iTunes. This time, they could curse and bash even more through this kind of communicational means. It's cool, though. They're currently talking about parents contemplating over their children marrying poor partners. I don't know if I will be able to marry a prosperous man in the future, though, especially if romantic feelings take over me again. LOL.

And before I wrap this entry up... I FREAKIN' FAILED THE SECOND MATHEMATICS 11 DEPARTMENTAL EXAM! So there, I need to practice my Mathematical skills and understand the concept of "inequalities" and "functions". OMG. I don't think I could even make use of these algebraic learnings in the future. *Sigh* Daaaamn.